Dear Ask a Feminist,

I grew up in a small, insular Mormon community and as such, have often felt alienated for my professional ambition, education, liberal views, and profound sense of social justice. After years of internal debate, guilt, and confusion, I have finally reached a level personal resolution regarding my place in the church. However, even though my internal struggle has subsided, I have still felt very isolated in the church culture. Finding this website and viewing the profiles of the beautiful and intelligent women (and man) on the board of WAVE has provided me a sense of connection and hope that I have previously not found in my experience with the church. I am thrilled to learn that my point of view is not only shared by others, but is being advocated.

My question then, is how can I be formally involved in this movement? Is there a general membership? And if so, how do I join?

Kind Regards,

Small Town Gal

Dear Small Town Gal,

Your story is inspiring and resonates with many of us here at WAVE. We too have come to individual resolutions that help us sustain our faith and activity. We have also felt the isolation and alienation you speak of. Hopefully together we can make a difference in the lives of all the women like us out there!

First, recognize that LDS WAVE is a new organization. We are testing things out and trying to find the right balance of advocacy and faith. We want to succeed in our endeavor and so the process is sometimes a little slow. We would love any feedback and ideas that you have. That said we have some really exciting things planned and ways for you to get involved!

We would love to have more personal stories of your life and how you have been impacted by religious gender inequality and how you have dealt with it. We hope that by posting these stories on the HOPE blog that we will inspire others to realize that they are not alone. You can send these stories to: hopeideas@ldswave.org

Also, we are planning weekly, monthly, and large scale Calls To Action that will be effective in promoting gender inclusiveness and also fun ways for you to find and integrate into your local community of Mormon Feminists. There are a lot of us out there and half of the problem is just connecting with and supporting each other. I won’t spoil what we have planned already—so keep checking back with us—but we would also love more ideas of actionable things we can do as a community of women. Please send your ideas to: calltoaction@ldswave.org

One of the biggest actions that we are currently involved in is finding, collecting, and collating quotes from female spiritual leaders in our Words of Wisdom project that we can incorporate into church meetings, visiting teaching, and family home evening lessons. Everyone benefits from the increased voice of women and we look forward to receiving quotes that have helped your life: wordsofwisdom@ldswave.org

Our Women’s Service Mission director is very active in finding ways that we can advocate for justice, equality, and contribute to our local communities. Please join with her as she posts an action each month that you can be a part of. We are also dedicated to social justice and would love to hear some of your ideas on what we can do to help. Also, you can let her know the happenings in your own community, so that she can help advertise and connect people in your area who are interested: sevice@ldswave.org

One of the easiest ways to spread the word is to link to our website from your facebook, blog, or email. Many of our fellow feminists have told us amazing and sometimes sad experiences they’ve had by just sharing their interest in WAVE. Just having your friends and family realize that they know and love a Mormon Feminist makes them rethink their relationship to feminism in particular and religious inequality in general.

And don’t forget, I always love a good question: askafeminist@ldswave.org

Sincerely,

Ask a Feminist

Dear Ask a Feminist,

I just read the article in the Salt Lake City News titled “New Mormon-Feminist Group Lobbies LDS Church”. This is the first time I have heard of this group and still confused as to what you feel is unequal in the church?  The only thing mentioned in the article is having to do with baby changing stations and boy scouts getting more money?  These seem like trivial things and they are not really the core issue for you.  What are the real things you feel so unequal?  I read your blog and didn’t really find any issues just feelings of inequality.  I would really like to know what are THINGS that make you feel this way?  Is it that men lead the church?  Yes, they are the leaders but, who runs RS, primary and young womens?   I’ve had callings in all these and never once has there been a man telling us what to do!  As of late the Elders of the church have focused on women and our needs, how we should be treated and how much we are loved and appreciated.

A quote from the article: “The issues that we Mormon Feminists are so concerned about are the things that are making it so difficult for Mormon women to stay in the church,” Butterworth writes.    Please tell me what is so difficult? And, I feel you are trying to stir the pot and bring negative ideas about the church that do not exist.  I also feel you are walking a fine line with this movement (with no real grounds in my opinion).  You might NOT have to feel it hard to stay in the church if you are not careful (I would hate for it to come to that).  I feel you do have a testimony of the church, but have pondered on a few negative things that people have done to you, and not what the church has done to you.

Best regards,

Be Careful

Dear Be Careful,

I’m glad that you have had many callings in the church and “never once has there been a man telling [you] what to do.” What ward are you in? We’d like to join.

All joking aside, you ask some poignant questions. Mainly, what are the things that make me feel unequal. Here is a partial list for you below.

Remember that this is my answer and each woman you speak with will have different experiences. I love my church leaders and have faith in this gospel. Not all gender inequality in the church is tied to the priesthood and I think that 90% of it is unintended and, thus, it is important for us at LDS WAVE to makes our voices heard. You may find this list overwhelming and wonder why anyone who feels this way would stay a member of the church. Remember that I am deeply committed to the church and am trying to align my faith as a Latter-Day Saint with my deeply rooted spiritual sense of equality. Sadly, this paradox often causes me and many women that I know great pain and frustration.

I recognize that some of these issues are church wide, some local, and some unchangeable. Some of them are simple and some of them are deeply ingrained. All of them, nevertheless, make me feel unequal and are worth talking about.

I feel unequal when there are more (a lot more) men’s voices in religious texts, meetings, leadership positions, and decision making bodies.

I feel unequal when callings that don’t necessitate the priesthood are given only to men: Sunday School Presidency, BYU, BYU-I and BYU-Hawaii Presidents, Church Education Commissioners, Ward Mission Leaders, recommend takers at the Temple, etc. (Similarly, men are not currently called in Primary Presidencies and could be.)

I feel unequal when women doing the same job are called by different titles (i.e. Sister vs. President) and/or are accessories to rather than serving equally with their husbands, i.e. Mission President’s wives.

I feel unequal when I have a calling as an auxiliary leader and have to get approval of every decision by men and/or when I am not invited to attend Priesthood Executive Committee meetings (PEC) which directly influence my stewardships.

I feel unequal when my value is primarily linked to being a wife and mother rather than by being a child of God.

I feel unequal when the men in my life acknowledge that they have no female spiritual leaders in their wards or communities.

I feel unequal when women have less prominent, prestigious, and public roles in the church, even before and after childrearing years.

I feel unequal because even one of the most inherently female-dominated time periods, having a new baby, is publically displayed at church in an all male ritual of the baby blessing.

I feel unequal when males handle 100% of the church finances.

I feel unequal when I am taught at church that my husband presides in my family, he is the head, and all things being equal, he has the final say.

I feel unequal when people preach that men and women are completely equal and in the same breath say the above sentence.

I feel unequal when I realize that at church all men have the final say. Good leaders might consult with female auxiliary leaders, but ultimately even after being called to a position via inspiration, men still make the final decisions.

I feel unequal when cub scouts and boy scouts have a larger budget (they are allowed to do fundraising- although this might be a local issue) than achievement days and Young Womens and thus, they often have better activities.

I feel unequal when the Young Women and Young Men’s programs have such different manuals, budgets, activities, etc.

I feel unequal when fathers and mothers are encouraged to fulfill primary roles to provide and nurture, but only the fathers are given the freedom to seek out the best way for them to provide, whereas, mothers are told the best way for them to nurture—to be stay at home moms.

I feel unequal when men teach me that being a stay at home mother is the most important thing a person could do, and yet most of them do not do it.

I feel unequal when people do not emphasize fatherhood as much as they do motherhood and when we have numerous annual lessons on the priesthood and I’m not taught anything about the woman’s role as a priestess.

I feel unequal in primary when most of the lessons and songs are about men although most of the teachers and leaders are women.

I feel unequal because church disciplinary courts are made up of solely men and there are no female voices in the very sensitive matters of church discipline.

I feel unequal when women have to talk to men about their sins, especially sexual ones, and have no other church sanctioned options.

I feel unequal because most men, even inspired ones, can’t fully understand or provide enough resources for sexual abuse.

I feel unequal when young girls are taught about modesty and chastity from older men, especially because females make decisions about these things for very different reasons than males.

I feel unequal because many of the official church declarations and proclamations have no female input, regardless of how drastically they affect women.

I feel unequal when there are no checks and balances for females who experience abuse in the system. While abuse may be rare, it is terrifying that women have no resources to go to outside of the male hierarchy.

I feel unequal because the Relief Society’s autonomy was taken away and it became an auxillery presided over by men.

I feel unequal when women’s financial autonomy isn’t encouraged as much as men’s at church and/or church schools.

I feel unequal because men conduct, men preach, men speak.  Men teach us how to be women.

I feel unequal because local leaders rarely use gender inclusive language even though church manuals and General Conference talks try to do so.

I feel unequal when men speak at Relief Society and Young Women’s meetings, but women never speak in priesthood meetings.

I feel unequal when there are very few women’s voices in our official correlated church manuals.

I feel unequal when women don’t pray in General Conference and usually only give 2 or 3 of the many talks.

I feel unequal because men and women can be sealed to different numbers of people.

I feel unequal in the temple because women a have different script and role.

I feel unequal when female employees of the Church Educational System and temple ordinance workers are no longer allowed to keep their positions after they have children.

I feel unequal because we know very little about Heavenly Mother and her role in the Godhead and there doesn’t seem to be any emphasis on the part of our leaders to pray and find out more. I don’t know what my divine potential means as a female and that makes me feel less important.

I feel unequal because all of these concerns are mediated by male leaders and that they are only as important as these men deem them so. While most of our leaders are wonderful, there is very little in the structure or doctrine to prevent male leaders from misogyny or benevolent sexism.

I feel unequal when these gender inequalities are not acknowledged by leaders. It is difficult to be a female in a patriarchal church and we are trying our best to make it work. Acknowledgement of that difficulty would go a long way.

All of these reasons begs the following question: If women are really as equally valued as men why aren’t they given equal voice? That is what we are trying to do here at LDS WAVE.

We appreciate all of you who have contacted us and have heard from many women and men who do not see a problem with any of the above and/or do not feel unequal at all. We have also heard from many women and men who say they are uplifted, strengthened, and encouraged by knowing that they are not alone in their struggle and pain with these issues. Either way, please share with us how you have overcome some of these obstacles so that we might all learn from each other and be one in Christ.

Sincerely,

Ask a Feminist

Dear ask a Feminist,

I have always felt a bit embarrassed for a lot of men in the LDS church that take their “Role” as the priesthood holder of the family a bit too far! I have found that there are few men that really understand that putting your wife on a pedestal and treating her with love and kindness is truly what Christ would want, and it’s the true meaning of being a man, I wanted to know if this is why you have started groups such as this, have you felt like you take a back seat to men in this religion, and if so, why would you continue to participate? Do you feel that you CAN make a difference?

Sincerely,

Wondering

Dear Wondering,

Thank you for your comment. We appreciate your interest and desire to follow Christ. We also seek to follow his example and believe that everyone can learn a lot about gender equality from him. And we can also hire probate lawyers to know about testament in detail. In the New Testament Christ didn’t place women on a pedestal or treat them as inferior. He recognized their reality as: flawed and able, divine and troubled, obedient and independent thinkers. He saw their lives as worthy of contemplation and dialogue. In the New Testament we have the most female voices in our religious texts and we see that their lives are complicated and varied. No two women are alike and no two women have the exact same abilities or destiny.

As to your first question, we have started this group because we want to be treated at church the way that we think Christ would treat us. I think He would want to hear our voices just as much as the brethren. I think He would teach us that we are valuable in and of ourselves, not only as wives or mothers. I don’t think He would assume that we are all the same. I think He would encourage us to discover our spiritual gifts and use them. Even if he couldn’t explain why, I think He would at least acknowledge that there is a gender bias in church leadership, religious texts, our knowledge of the Godhead, and decision making power. I think that after He acknowledged this He would tell us that this didn’t mean that our Heavenly Father prefers His sons. I think He would take pity on women in disciplinary courts and send the 15 men away or at least provide a jury full of female peers. I think He would let us women have the last say in church matters once in awhile. I think He would tell us that our answers to prayer are just as good as a man’s. I think He would agree that man and woman are great together because they have two heads. I think He would tell us about our former female religious leaders left out of the scriptures, recognize current female spiritual examples, and teach us about our Heavenly Mother and our future eternal destiny.

As to your second question, Yes, I do feel like I take a back seat to men in this religion, but I choose to continue to participate because a) I believe it is true, just flawed because of the historical and cultural context in which it exists, b) there is so much good, and c) because I have felt inspired to stay and implore for more equality because I CAN make a difference.

I could be wrong about this entire answer, but this is what I wish.

Sincerely,

Ask a Feminist

Dear Ask a Feminist,

I personally and through study and experience have learned that the priesthood is here on earth for the benefit of men. I come from a home with an anti-feminist father and 3 brothers. Being the only girl, and daughter of a totally subservient mother, I have seen firsthand how men are naturally less righteous than women. In fact, they desperately need the priesthood to help them step up and progress in life and in the church. Women don’t need that regimented order to stay faithful and good (again, this is what I have gathered from my own experience). Perhaps we are the ones who put the priesthood here because we wanted our weaker sexed brothers to get back to God with us!

I guess I’m rambling, but I’m trying to grasp the inequality…in every ward I’ve ever been in, the relief society president runs the ward….and we all know it. I look at the bishopric as a controlled training ground for men…and I think they desperately need it, and I’m thankful it is there.

Please…help me out….?

Sincerely,

Superior Sex

Dear Superior Sex,

Thank you for writing. I recognize that your life experiences inform your question and I’m sorry that you have had so many negative  examples of male spirituality and nurturing.

Here at WAVE we do not seek to be superior or inferior, just equal. We recognize that men and women are different. However, difference shouldn’t preclude equality.

Many people find it insulting to hear gender generalizations that demean men: they are less spiritual, nurturing, and capable; they need the priesthood to be equal, etc. There are many great men in the world who don’t have the priesthood and many fantastic nurturers who are male. With any type of human trait we will see variation that exists within and between genders. Using stereotypes to teach principles will inevitably neglect many people and they are extremely damaging to both men and women. Teaching men that they are spiritually inferior or less nurturing is in direct opposition to the examples of Father in Heaven and Jesus Christ, who both just happen to be male.

Feminism is not about making assumptions about either gender, but about creating opportunities so that everyone, regardless of gender, can fulfill the measure of their creation.

Sincerely,

Ask a Feminist

Dear Ask a Feminist,

I just read the following on your website: “About your Feminist: She is a wife, a mother, a professional, and an active LDS church member.” Why did you include “a professional” in the definition?  Do you mean only “professionals” are “feminists?”  In using the term “a professional,” you come across as exclusionary. Perhaps you may want to reword “About your Feminist.” I look forward to your response. Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,

Kalola in California

Dear Kalola in California,

Thank you for your interest in helping us understand how we come across to readers. I wrote that description based on all of the many roles I participate in and included “a professional” because that is one of the things I do. Also, I thought that a more thorough description might appeal to the widest audience of women and the diversity of our roles. There is no intended correlation between being a feminist and having a career. In fact, all of the executive board members at LDS WAVE are fiercely feminist and many other descriptions: stay-at-home moms, working, married, single, with or without children, make-up and bra wearers and despisers, academic feminists, pragmatic feminists, etc. We run the gamut. Being “a professional” is not intended to be exclusionary, just the same as “being a wife” or “being a mother.” These are just descriptions of me so as to situate my answers in a relatable context. I hope that helps!

Per your question, I have decided to “reword” my descriptions by adding a little bit more about myself. Thank you.

Sincerely,

Ask a Feminist

Dear Ask a Feminist,

I also believe in the equality of men and women, but I feel like my divine life plan is to be a stay-at-home mom. This is encouraged by the church, so why do you work?

Sincerely,

Staying-at-home and loving it!

Dear Staying-at-home and loving it!,

As a point of discussion, I think that being a parent is working. It’s more intense than a full time job! When was the last time a corporate lawyer or consultant worked around 18 hours a day for approximately 18 years? No one could afford to pay stay-at-home moms (or dads for that matter) if they were paid what they deserved for the hours and importance of their work. Similarly, many “stay-at-home” moms are also working. They have side projects, writing, reading, creating, etc. all of which are a form of work. As the professional infrastructure becomes more flexible, more and more women are engaging in “work” even though they don’t acknowledge it as such. That said, let me get to your original question. I can only speak for myself but there are many reasons why I choose to work.

1) I’m a better mom. For example, this morning when it was way too early and I was exhausted my daughter woke up when it was still dark and started happily cooing. Most days of the week I throw some toys in her crib and try to catch a few more minutes of sleep in between replacing the pacifier and distracting her with toys. However, this morning I just held her and played. We interacted and laughed and played games and were each uplifted. The reason I was so excited to see her was because I worked last night. My husband cared for her and put her to bed and by the time she awoke this morning I couldn’t wait to see and hold her. I looked forward to it rather than trying to escape it. It is probably not the same for everyone, but for me working makes me a better mom. When I am at home I am more engaged, less distracted, excited to be there, revel in the little things, and cherish my time. When I have periods of not working I get sluggish and take for granted the precious little spirit in my care.

2) This is the Lord’s direction for me. I have always prayed and pondered every decision in my life and along the way I have been led and directed to working. I recognize that many stay-at-home moms followed this same plan and I respect the Lord and personal revelation too much to assume that we all get the same answers. I trust that all women seek out a follow their inspired path. For me, it was recognizing and pursing my spiritual gifts and the desires of my heart. I have unique talents and abilities and I feel like they are being utilized in my current profession. My husband and I have prayed and come to decisions about professions and parenting together which we feel are in line with the gospel and the Lord’s plan for us. Throughout the course of my career I have had many answers to prayer, priesthood blessings, and divine interventions which have confirmed that the Lord is directing me.

3) For practicality. As a new wife and graduate student on my first day in a new ward I received some advice that I will always cherish. A well respected mother and scholar told me, “Life is LONG!” She then told me about all sorts of women. Women who raise their kids and then go search for their inspired career, women who get all of their education and then have kids, women who raise their kids and slowly receive their training simultaneously, women who work from home, share family responsibilities with their husbands, and trade off with their spouse in regard to working and parenting. She also taught me that motherhood, while all consuming, was only one part of your life. Before and after your kids you have a lot of time. What will you do with it? For me, I have found a balance between working and parenting that makes my family happy. Practically, we try to live off the salary from one job so that we are not forced to be a dual-income family and so that at any time one of us can choose to stay home full time. I also feel overwhelming security at being able to provide for my family. For now, it allows my husband to choose a career that makes him happy rather than one just for the money. For the future, if something happened to my spouse, it makes me feel like I would be able to raise my children and provide for them in a flexible schedule rather than having to work a 9-5 job with limited pay. I also found great confidence in being financially autonomous when I was dating. I was able to choose a spouse based on love and inherent qualities without the pressure of financial dependency. For me, working has given me more choices and freedom. (However, I also understand that my family is unique and I have the luxury of a spouse whose job is flexible).

Sincerely,

Ask a Feminist

Reminder: All answers reflect the opinion of the “Ask a Feminist” director and not the entire executive board at LDS WAVE.

Dear Ask a Feminist,

Someone said you guys were fighting for women to get the priesthood but I haven’t read anything about it on your website. Is this true?

Sincerely,

Wondering

Dear Wondering,

LDS WAVE has never claimed this nor do we advocate for it.

Sincerely,

Ask a feminist

Dear Ask a Feminist,

Frankly, I get upset when I hear people talking about this stuff because it makes me feel judged like I am less intelligent or something for not being upset about particular women’s issues. I just think people need more faith and to leave the questions for when we get to heaven.

Sincerely,

Frankly

Dear Frankly,

I understand your feelings. I often feel similarly defensive and upset, like if I do not happily agree with everything I hear I am less faithful. I even sometimes feel like people are judging my worthiness just because I intuitively question things. I see that we all have different spiritual gifts. I have always been a questioner and as such I have had amazing answers to prayer that have blessed my life. It sounds like you have always been a believer and that has probably also been a blessing to your life. We are different and that is the way it is supposed to be. Maybe the Lord doesn’t make us the same so that we can rely on each other. One solution is to value each other’s unique gifts and leave the judging for when we get to Heaven. I won’t disregard your intelligence if you don’t judge my faithfulness, deal?

Sincerely,

Ask a Feminist

Dear Ask a Feminist,

I’m fine with most of what I read about WAVE so far, but I have a problem when people start talking about refuting the prophets’ words and counsel (i.e. birth control, mothers staying home), as if they knew more than the prophet and then their resistance was the cause of the church’s change? That stuff just scares me, because they seemed to be saying we know more than the prophets in these areas. So, is he only a prophet when you agree with him, or when he agrees with you (that’s kind of a rhetorical question)?

Sincerely,

Trying to Understand

Dear Trying to Understand,

I can completely understand your resistance to that concept and I can see why you would read it as such. These issues are extremely complex and when they are summarized it can seem that we are saying one thing when in reality we are trying to communicate something very different.

This is a tough question and very complex. Basically, (I can only say from my perspective) I in no way think that my understanding is a) more correct than the prophets and leaders or b) for the whole church. I do not advocate criticizing our leaders. I love and value their counsel and as such I follow it. For example, I’ve been taught to prayerfully go to the Lord with the words of my church leaders. I have been taught that as a wife and mother I have stewardship over my family. I take that very seriously and when I receive general church counsel given to all church members, I go home and prayerfully decide how I can apply that to my family. For your specific questions, I the church has historically given advice on birth control and maternal working and in each of these cases I have prayerfully counseled with my husband and the Lord about what we should do as a family and then we make the decision based on the best spiritual, emotional, physical, and economic knowledge that we have. We try to make the best decision for our family.

We are encouraged as members of the LDS faith to follow this pattern and prayerfully counsel with the Lord about all of our decisions. Our leaders are inspired and one of the greatest tools we have as members of this particular church is a belief in continued revelation. We have a living prophet on the earth today in order for us to receive counsel for our times. Some LDS feminists attribute the changes we see in prophetic counsel over the years on birth control and maternal working as reflections of general trends in these personal prayers. Many women counseled with the Lord and decided that birth control was a beneficial to their families and around that same time our leaders’ counsel reflected that general change. Many women counseled with the Lord and decided that working (defined broadly) was beneficial to their families and recent prophetic counsel reflects this. Similarly, we can look at the historic cases of polygamy and blacks in the priesthood. In all of these cases we assume that our Prophets were inspired as well as in tune with the needs of the church members on the earth at this time.

Sincerely,

Ask a Feminist

When we first created WAVE we understood that the word feminist meant many things to many people. In fact, we have already received many disparaging comments from people who aren’t fully aware of our mission. In order to better communicate our intentions and give voice to your concerns, we decided to create a space for open and honest dialogue. If you have a question send an email to: askafeminist@ldswave.org

CAVEAT: Ask a Feminist is a question and answer feature that seeks to answer genuine questions from readers about LDS feminism and religious gender equality. We are real people with heartfelt desires to combine our desires for equality and our faith in the LDS religion. The answers to these questions are the thoughts and opinions of the Ask a Feminist director and do not represent the views of the entire WAVE board or the LDS church. Questions will be edited for content, length, and format. We do not accept vitriolic or Ad hominem remarks.

About your Feminist: She is a wife, a mother, a professional, a traveler, a gossip magazine reader, a foodie, a sister, a daughter, an aunt, a friend, a West coast child, an East coast adult, and an active LDS church member.