Dear Ask a Feminist,
I also believe in the equality of men and women, but I feel like my divine life plan is to be a stay-at-home mom. This is encouraged by the church, so why do you work?
Sincerely,
Staying-at-home and loving it!
Dear Staying-at-home and loving it!,
As a point of discussion, I think that being a parent is working. It’s more intense than a full time job! When was the last time a corporate lawyer or consultant worked around 18 hours a day for approximately 18 years? No one could afford to pay stay-at-home moms (or dads for that matter) if they were paid what they deserved for the hours and importance of their work. Similarly, many “stay-at-home” moms are also working. They have side projects, writing, reading, creating, etc. all of which are a form of work. As the professional infrastructure becomes more flexible, more and more women are engaging in “work” even though they don’t acknowledge it as such. That said, let me get to your original question. I can only speak for myself but there are many reasons why I choose to work.
1) I’m a better mom. For example, this morning when it was way too early and I was exhausted my daughter woke up when it was still dark and started happily cooing. Most days of the week I throw some toys in her crib and try to catch a few more minutes of sleep in between replacing the pacifier and distracting her with toys. However, this morning I just held her and played. We interacted and laughed and played games and were each uplifted. The reason I was so excited to see her was because I worked last night. My husband cared for her and put her to bed and by the time she awoke this morning I couldn’t wait to see and hold her. I looked forward to it rather than trying to escape it. It is probably not the same for everyone, but for me working makes me a better mom. When I am at home I am more engaged, less distracted, excited to be there, revel in the little things, and cherish my time. When I have periods of not working I get sluggish and take for granted the precious little spirit in my care.
2) This is the Lord’s direction for me. I have always prayed and pondered every decision in my life and along the way I have been led and directed to working. I recognize that many stay-at-home moms followed this same plan and I respect the Lord and personal revelation too much to assume that we all get the same answers. I trust that all women seek out a follow their inspired path. For me, it was recognizing and pursing my spiritual gifts and the desires of my heart. I have unique talents and abilities and I feel like they are being utilized in my current profession. My husband and I have prayed and come to decisions about professions and parenting together which we feel are in line with the gospel and the Lord’s plan for us. Throughout the course of my career I have had many answers to prayer, priesthood blessings, and divine interventions which have confirmed that the Lord is directing me.
3) For practicality. As a new wife and graduate student on my first day in a new ward I received some advice that I will always cherish. A well respected mother and scholar told me, “Life is LONG!” She then told me about all sorts of women. Women who raise their kids and then go search for their inspired career, women who get all of their education and then have kids, women who raise their kids and slowly receive their training simultaneously, women who work from home, share family responsibilities with their husbands, and trade off with their spouse in regard to working and parenting. She also taught me that motherhood, while all consuming, was only one part of your life. Before and after your kids you have a lot of time. What will you do with it? For me, I have found a balance between working and parenting that makes my family happy. Practically, we try to live off the salary from one job so that we are not forced to be a dual-income family and so that at any time one of us can choose to stay home full time. I also feel overwhelming security at being able to provide for my family. For now, it allows my husband to choose a career that makes him happy rather than one just for the money. For the future, if something happened to my spouse, it makes me feel like I would be able to raise my children and provide for them in a flexible schedule rather than having to work a 9-5 job with limited pay. I also found great confidence in being financially autonomous when I was dating. I was able to choose a spouse based on love and inherent qualities without the pressure of financial dependency. For me, working has given me more choices and freedom. (However, I also understand that my family is unique and I have the luxury of a spouse whose job is flexible).
Sincerely,
Ask a Feminist
Reminder: All answers reflect the opinion of the “Ask a Feminist” director and not the entire executive board at LDS WAVE.
Dear Ask a Feminist,
I respect your position and thoughts about equality in the Church. I’m sure you have thought these issues through and have expressed yourself carefully regarding them–which in fact you do very well. I certainly agree with some of your comments–especially regarding the humanness of all of us who live and lead–whatever the position.
However, I do feel that some of your statements are confusing and difficult to reconcile and understand. For example you stated the following regarding decisions you make for you and your family:
(Beginning of your quote) “This is the Lord’s direction for me. I have always prayed and pondered every decision in my life and along the way I have been led and directed to working. I recognize that many stay-at-home moms followed this same plan and I respect the Lord and personal revelation too much to assume that we all get the same answers. I trust that all women seek out a(nd) follow their inspired path. For me, it was recognizing and pursing my spiritual gifts and the desires of my heart. I have unique talents and abilities and I feel like they are being utilized in my current profession. My husband and I have prayed and come to decisions about professions and parenting together which we feel are in line with the gospel and the Lord’s plan for us. Throughout the course of my career I have had many answers to prayer, priesthood blessings, and divine interventions which have confirmed that the Lord is directing me.” (end of quote)
You have expressed yourself very well and I’m sure you are confident the Lord is guiding you in your personal decisions. I certainly do not question the process you have used nor the decisions you have made. It is your right within your personal calling and stewardship to to come to such conclusions. You would have every right to be offended if someone tried to persuade you that “the many answers to (your) prayers, priesthood blessings and divine interventions” that confirm the Lord is directing you is a mistake and that in spite of your sincere and spiritual seeking of God’s guidance that you have taken the wrong course.
My question is that if you feel confident that the Lord is guiding you in your life and stewardship, why shouldn’t we feel the same confidence that the Lord is guiding our Church leaders (men and women), especially those we consider Apostles and Prophets in their calling and stewardship? I am confident that they would declare as you have that they have sincerely and prayerfully sought the Lord’s guidance in the important matters before them. If you feel confident in the inspiration you receive for your callings and stewardship, shouldn’t we Church members feel the same confidence in our Church leaders who establish Church policy and practices in their callings and stewardship?
Your extensive list of inequalities seem to be in the category of something other than “a few human errors.”
I sincerely do not want to come across as critical of you or what you say. I have no doubt of your sincerity and strong feelings, However, it is just difficult to understand and reconcile some of your statements. Even though you may not intend to, some of the statements leave an impression of superiority—that perhaps your inspiration is greater or better than others with a stewardship and responsibility of their own.
Thank you for listening and best wishes,
Left with questions!
Dear Ask a Feminist,
A few months ago I spent over a half hour reading your “Ask a feminist” section and gained a lasting respect for you and your opinions even in that short time. However, one thing you said has been rolling around in my mind the past few months. It regards your answer to a question written by Staying-at-home and loving it. She asked why you work even though the church encourages women to stay at home. I have no questions about the second and third parts of your response, however, the first part has been weighing on my mind. You answered that you are a better mother because you work. You said, “for me working makes me a better mom. When I am at home I am more engaged, less distracted, excited to be there, revel in the little things, and cherish my time.” It seems to me, more enthusiasm for parenthood as a result of part-time employment outside the home is a PERK of being a working mom, but definitely not a justifiable REASON to be one.
Here is what I mean. Saying I am a better mom if I don’t have to do it all the time is akin to saying I am a better teacher when I only teach twice a week instead of every day like is necessary to effectively teach this certain subject. I am more excited about what I am teaching, I have more time to prepare and get excited, I like my students more, and I am happier to be their teacher. You may enjoy the experience of teaching more when you don’t have to do it as often–but what about the experience of your students? Are they really learning from their teacher the way they deserve? Their teacher’s peppiness is probably appreciated those two days a week, but does it make up for that teachers’ absence the rest of the week? Those students deserve a teacher who will give teaching their all–all the time?
I think all mothers have distractions we struggle to resist and attitude adjustments we need to make in order to fulfill our divine responsibility in our homes with our families–and Heavenly Father knows that and helps us along the way. The Lord knows what children need from their mothers and what mothers need in order to rear their children. He knows all of that before he gives us counsel through his prophets to stay at home full-time.
There was a period of time I had to work outside our home for financial reasons. I was only working part-time and at a job I loved. My husband was home with our kids for much of the time I was away so I knew they were in good hands. I was deciding whether or not to continue this part-time employment around the same time I first read your answer to Staying-at-home and loving it. I thought about my own situation and how I too was more excited about my time with my kids when I was able to devote the other portions of my time elsewhere. It was then I realized that extra excitement for shortened time with kids does not make up for the time I’m not with them. So, as I said earlier, it seems the extra enthusiasm is a benefit from, not a reason to be a working mom.
It seems like you have a great set-up with a career, husband, and schedule that you love. From the rest of your answer to Staying-at-home and loving it, it seems you have your path figured out. Just wanted to, you know, be one of those annoying writers who can’t keep their nagging thoughts to themselves ; )
Best,
All or nothing