Dear ask a Feminist,

I have always felt a bit embarrassed for a lot of men in the LDS church that take their “Role” as the priesthood holder of the family a bit too far! I have found that there are few men that really understand that putting your wife on a pedestal and treating her with love and kindness is truly what Christ would want, and it’s the true meaning of being a man, I wanted to know if this is why you have started groups such as this, have you felt like you take a back seat to men in this religion, and if so, why would you continue to participate? Do you feel that you CAN make a difference?

Sincerely,

Wondering

Dear Wondering,

Thank you for your comment. We appreciate your interest and desire to follow Christ. We also seek to follow his example and believe that everyone can learn a lot about gender equality from him. And we can also hire probate lawyers to know about testament in detail. In the New Testament Christ didn’t place women on a pedestal or treat them as inferior. He recognized their reality as: flawed and able, divine and troubled, obedient and independent thinkers. He saw their lives as worthy of contemplation and dialogue. In the New Testament we have the most female voices in our religious texts and we see that their lives are complicated and varied. No two women are alike and no two women have the exact same abilities or destiny.

As to your first question, we have started this group because we want to be treated at church the way that we think Christ would treat us. I think He would want to hear our voices just as much as the brethren. I think He would teach us that we are valuable in and of ourselves, not only as wives or mothers. I don’t think He would assume that we are all the same. I think He would encourage us to discover our spiritual gifts and use them. Even if he couldn’t explain why, I think He would at least acknowledge that there is a gender bias in church leadership, religious texts, our knowledge of the Godhead, and decision making power. I think that after He acknowledged this He would tell us that this didn’t mean that our Heavenly Father prefers His sons. I think He would take pity on women in disciplinary courts and send the 15 men away or at least provide a jury full of female peers. I think He would let us women have the last say in church matters once in awhile. I think He would tell us that our answers to prayer are just as good as a man’s. I think He would agree that man and woman are great together because they have two heads. I think He would tell us about our former female religious leaders left out of the scriptures, recognize current female spiritual examples, and teach us about our Heavenly Mother and our future eternal destiny.

As to your second question, Yes, I do feel like I take a back seat to men in this religion, but I choose to continue to participate because a) I believe it is true, just flawed because of the historical and cultural context in which it exists, b) there is so much good, and c) because I have felt inspired to stay and implore for more equality because I CAN make a difference.

I could be wrong about this entire answer, but this is what I wish.

Sincerely,

Ask a Feminist

Dear Ask a Feminist,

I personally and through study and experience have learned that the priesthood is here on earth for the benefit of men. I come from a home with an anti-feminist father and 3 brothers. Being the only girl, and daughter of a totally subservient mother, I have seen firsthand how men are naturally less righteous than women. In fact, they desperately need the priesthood to help them step up and progress in life and in the church. Women don’t need that regimented order to stay faithful and good (again, this is what I have gathered from my own experience). Perhaps we are the ones who put the priesthood here because we wanted our weaker sexed brothers to get back to God with us!

I guess I’m rambling, but I’m trying to grasp the inequality…in every ward I’ve ever been in, the relief society president runs the ward….and we all know it. I look at the bishopric as a controlled training ground for men…and I think they desperately need it, and I’m thankful it is there.

Please…help me out….?

Sincerely,

Superior Sex

Dear Superior Sex,

Thank you for writing. I recognize that your life experiences inform your question and I’m sorry that you have had so many negative  examples of male spirituality and nurturing.

Here at WAVE we do not seek to be superior or inferior, just equal. We recognize that men and women are different. However, difference shouldn’t preclude equality.

Many people find it insulting to hear gender generalizations that demean men: they are less spiritual, nurturing, and capable; they need the priesthood to be equal, etc. There are many great men in the world who don’t have the priesthood and many fantastic nurturers who are male. With any type of human trait we will see variation that exists within and between genders. Using stereotypes to teach principles will inevitably neglect many people and they are extremely damaging to both men and women. Teaching men that they are spiritually inferior or less nurturing is in direct opposition to the examples of Father in Heaven and Jesus Christ, who both just happen to be male.

Feminism is not about making assumptions about either gender, but about creating opportunities so that everyone, regardless of gender, can fulfill the measure of their creation.

Sincerely,

Ask a Feminist

Dear Ask a Feminist,

I just read the following on your website: “About your Feminist: She is a wife, a mother, a professional, and an active LDS church member.” Why did you include “a professional” in the definition?  Do you mean only “professionals” are “feminists?”  In using the term “a professional,” you come across as exclusionary. Perhaps you may want to reword “About your Feminist.” I look forward to your response. Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,

Kalola in California

Dear Kalola in California,

Thank you for your interest in helping us understand how we come across to readers. I wrote that description based on all of the many roles I participate in and included “a professional” because that is one of the things I do. Also, I thought that a more thorough description might appeal to the widest audience of women and the diversity of our roles. There is no intended correlation between being a feminist and having a career. In fact, all of the executive board members at LDS WAVE are fiercely feminist and many other descriptions: stay-at-home moms, working, married, single, with or without children, make-up and bra wearers and despisers, academic feminists, pragmatic feminists, etc. We run the gamut. Being “a professional” is not intended to be exclusionary, just the same as “being a wife” or “being a mother.” These are just descriptions of me so as to situate my answers in a relatable context. I hope that helps!

Per your question, I have decided to “reword” my descriptions by adding a little bit more about myself. Thank you.

Sincerely,

Ask a Feminist

Dear Ask a Feminist,

I also believe in the equality of men and women, but I feel like my divine life plan is to be a stay-at-home mom. This is encouraged by the church, so why do you work?

Sincerely,

Staying-at-home and loving it!

Dear Staying-at-home and loving it!,

As a point of discussion, I think that being a parent is working. It’s more intense than a full time job! When was the last time a corporate lawyer or consultant worked around 18 hours a day for approximately 18 years? No one could afford to pay stay-at-home moms (or dads for that matter) if they were paid what they deserved for the hours and importance of their work. Similarly, many “stay-at-home” moms are also working. They have side projects, writing, reading, creating, etc. all of which are a form of work. As the professional infrastructure becomes more flexible, more and more women are engaging in “work” even though they don’t acknowledge it as such. That said, let me get to your original question. I can only speak for myself but there are many reasons why I choose to work.

1) I’m a better mom. For example, this morning when it was way too early and I was exhausted my daughter woke up when it was still dark and started happily cooing. Most days of the week I throw some toys in her crib and try to catch a few more minutes of sleep in between replacing the pacifier and distracting her with toys. However, this morning I just held her and played. We interacted and laughed and played games and were each uplifted. The reason I was so excited to see her was because I worked last night. My husband cared for her and put her to bed and by the time she awoke this morning I couldn’t wait to see and hold her. I looked forward to it rather than trying to escape it. It is probably not the same for everyone, but for me working makes me a better mom. When I am at home I am more engaged, less distracted, excited to be there, revel in the little things, and cherish my time. When I have periods of not working I get sluggish and take for granted the precious little spirit in my care.

2) This is the Lord’s direction for me. I have always prayed and pondered every decision in my life and along the way I have been led and directed to working. I recognize that many stay-at-home moms followed this same plan and I respect the Lord and personal revelation too much to assume that we all get the same answers. I trust that all women seek out a follow their inspired path. For me, it was recognizing and pursing my spiritual gifts and the desires of my heart. I have unique talents and abilities and I feel like they are being utilized in my current profession. My husband and I have prayed and come to decisions about professions and parenting together which we feel are in line with the gospel and the Lord’s plan for us. Throughout the course of my career I have had many answers to prayer, priesthood blessings, and divine interventions which have confirmed that the Lord is directing me.

3) For practicality. As a new wife and graduate student on my first day in a new ward I received some advice that I will always cherish. A well respected mother and scholar told me, “Life is LONG!” She then told me about all sorts of women. Women who raise their kids and then go search for their inspired career, women who get all of their education and then have kids, women who raise their kids and slowly receive their training simultaneously, women who work from home, share family responsibilities with their husbands, and trade off with their spouse in regard to working and parenting. She also taught me that motherhood, while all consuming, was only one part of your life. Before and after your kids you have a lot of time. What will you do with it? For me, I have found a balance between working and parenting that makes my family happy. Practically, we try to live off the salary from one job so that we are not forced to be a dual-income family and so that at any time one of us can choose to stay home full time. I also feel overwhelming security at being able to provide for my family. For now, it allows my husband to choose a career that makes him happy rather than one just for the money. For the future, if something happened to my spouse, it makes me feel like I would be able to raise my children and provide for them in a flexible schedule rather than having to work a 9-5 job with limited pay. I also found great confidence in being financially autonomous when I was dating. I was able to choose a spouse based on love and inherent qualities without the pressure of financial dependency. For me, working has given me more choices and freedom. (However, I also understand that my family is unique and I have the luxury of a spouse whose job is flexible).

Sincerely,

Ask a Feminist

Reminder: All answers reflect the opinion of the “Ask a Feminist” director and not the entire executive board at LDS WAVE.

Dear Ask a Feminist,

Someone said you guys were fighting for women to get the priesthood but I haven’t read anything about it on your website. Is this true?

Sincerely,

Wondering

Dear Wondering,

LDS WAVE has never claimed this nor do we advocate for it.

Sincerely,

Ask a feminist

Dear Ask a Feminist,

Frankly, I get upset when I hear people talking about this stuff because it makes me feel judged like I am less intelligent or something for not being upset about particular women’s issues. I just think people need more faith and to leave the questions for when we get to heaven.

Sincerely,

Frankly

Dear Frankly,

I understand your feelings. I often feel similarly defensive and upset, like if I do not happily agree with everything I hear I am less faithful. I even sometimes feel like people are judging my worthiness just because I intuitively question things. I see that we all have different spiritual gifts. I have always been a questioner and as such I have had amazing answers to prayer that have blessed my life. It sounds like you have always been a believer and that has probably also been a blessing to your life. We are different and that is the way it is supposed to be. Maybe the Lord doesn’t make us the same so that we can rely on each other. One solution is to value each other’s unique gifts and leave the judging for when we get to Heaven. I won’t disregard your intelligence if you don’t judge my faithfulness, deal?

Sincerely,

Ask a Feminist

Dear Ask a Feminist,

I’m fine with most of what I read about WAVE so far, but I have a problem when people start talking about refuting the prophets’ words and counsel (i.e. birth control, mothers staying home), as if they knew more than the prophet and then their resistance was the cause of the church’s change? That stuff just scares me, because they seemed to be saying we know more than the prophets in these areas. So, is he only a prophet when you agree with him, or when he agrees with you (that’s kind of a rhetorical question)?

Sincerely,

Trying to Understand

Dear Trying to Understand,

I can completely understand your resistance to that concept and I can see why you would read it as such. These issues are extremely complex and when they are summarized it can seem that we are saying one thing when in reality we are trying to communicate something very different.

This is a tough question and very complex. Basically, (I can only say from my perspective) I in no way think that my understanding is a) more correct than the prophets and leaders or b) for the whole church. I do not advocate criticizing our leaders. I love and value their counsel and as such I follow it. For example, I’ve been taught to prayerfully go to the Lord with the words of my church leaders. I have been taught that as a wife and mother I have stewardship over my family. I take that very seriously and when I receive general church counsel given to all church members, I go home and prayerfully decide how I can apply that to my family. For your specific questions, I the church has historically given advice on birth control and maternal working and in each of these cases I have prayerfully counseled with my husband and the Lord about what we should do as a family and then we make the decision based on the best spiritual, emotional, physical, and economic knowledge that we have. We try to make the best decision for our family.

We are encouraged as members of the LDS faith to follow this pattern and prayerfully counsel with the Lord about all of our decisions. Our leaders are inspired and one of the greatest tools we have as members of this particular church is a belief in continued revelation. We have a living prophet on the earth today in order for us to receive counsel for our times. Some LDS feminists attribute the changes we see in prophetic counsel over the years on birth control and maternal working as reflections of general trends in these personal prayers. Many women counseled with the Lord and decided that birth control was a beneficial to their families and around that same time our leaders’ counsel reflected that general change. Many women counseled with the Lord and decided that working (defined broadly) was beneficial to their families and recent prophetic counsel reflects this. Similarly, we can look at the historic cases of polygamy and blacks in the priesthood. In all of these cases we assume that our Prophets were inspired as well as in tune with the needs of the church members on the earth at this time.

Sincerely,

Ask a Feminist

When we first created WAVE we understood that the word feminist meant many things to many people. In fact, we have already received many disparaging comments from people who aren’t fully aware of our mission. In order to better communicate our intentions and give voice to your concerns, we decided to create a space for open and honest dialogue. If you have a question send an email to: askafeminist@ldswave.org

CAVEAT: Ask a Feminist is a question and answer feature that seeks to answer genuine questions from readers about LDS feminism and religious gender equality. We are real people with heartfelt desires to combine our desires for equality and our faith in the LDS religion. The answers to these questions are the thoughts and opinions of the Ask a Feminist director and do not represent the views of the entire WAVE board or the LDS church. Questions will be edited for content, length, and format. We do not accept vitriolic or Ad hominem remarks.

About your Feminist: She is a wife, a mother, a professional, a traveler, a gossip magazine reader, a foodie, a sister, a daughter, an aunt, a friend, a West coast child, an East coast adult, and an active LDS church member.