Call to Action: Addressing the Temple “Issue”, Period.

Check out the Call to Action from our sisters at Feminist Mormon Housewives: Call to Action: Addressing the Temple “Issue”, Period. Click on this link and get involved!

Ask a Feminist

Dear Ask A Feminist,

My husband and I were married in the temple over eight years ago. I hold a calling teaching Relief Society. My testimony is strong, but painfully damaged. To make a long story short. My husband is addicted to pornography and has been physically, verbally, financially and emotionally abusive. Not to mention treats me like an object. My efforts with six bishops in eight years has been disappointing. My husband has even admitted some things to these bishops and yet he still has not ever been even put on church probation. One bishop gave him a calling and a temple recommend, but them the stake president refused to sign it. Especially the last three bishops are disappointing as they know he has now been arrested for domestic violence and yet they have continued to do nothing. My husband consistently intimidates me and the children with scary anger and threats. My husband is a full tithe payer and goes to church every week, but does nothing at all to change. Does the money protect his position and lack of action? He sleeps through church and if awake says prayers and makes intellectual scriptural based comments. These comments make me cringe considering the way he treated me that day and nearly every day. Talk about feeling unequal. Even our Heavenly Father punishes us and we as parents punish our children. Not because we want to see them miserable, but because we are trying to facilitate or motivate a change. I have been blamed by his parents and by bishops. I have been asked if I am “taking care of his needs” when discussing his pornography usage. There are so many more details. I feel beaten down and want to leave him, but I haven’t worked in six years. I have an accounting degree, but I am afraid that I might lose my children if I can’t get a job and provide for them. I have gone to weekly counseling for two years now to get stronger. I’m assured, by my counselor, that I am not even depressed, just dealing with a lot. So why does this treatment of me not make sense? Why are the bishops leaving all the consequences up to me. Like if I don’t like it then leave him mentality. I feel neglected and unsupported. Is there something in the bishop’s handbook about allowing this behavior?

Sincerely,
Unsupported

 

Dear Unsupported,

This story breaks my heart and I want to give you the best support possible. As such, I am passing along this question to one of the WAVE board members that specializes in abuse cases. Thank you for being brave enough to come forward and I hope you realize that your words will help countless women to know that they are not alone and (some) bishops to do a better job of helping them.

With all sincerity and love, Ask a Feminist

Dear Unsupported,

Let me begin by expressing my heartache for what you have suffered and are currently suffering at the hands of your husband. No woman should have to experience this. And I am saddened that you have been failed by our religious institution, even though it purports to comfort the weary and heavy laden. That being said, I am so impressed by your assertiveness and bravery in writing us about this issue. Domestic violence maintains its power through the silence and shame of its victims; you have taken several steps to break that power.

To introduce myself briefly, I have worked as a domestic violence advocate for five years, three of those years at a shelter counseling victims. I am currently pursuing a Masters of Public Administration with a concentration in domestic violence policy as well as staying at home with my three young children.

I’m going to break my response to you into two sections: I’ll address the logistical issues that you face as a victim of domestic violence first and then discuss some of the questions you asked concerning the way you have been treated by our church.

Logistics

For any victim of intimate partner abuse, it is extremely difficult to react appropriately to the abuse that has been perpetrated. These choices can be overwhelming but they can also be empowering in that it allows you to re-take control over your life. I assume that since you wrote to us you do not want to perpetuate the status quo any longer. This leaves you with three general options:

1) Leave your marriage immediately.

In your first email you mention that your husband has been physically, emotionally, verbally, financially and spiritually abusive. You are well within your rights to leave this marriage. I recognize, however, that leaving an abusive relationship is complicated, especially if there are children involved. I do not presume to know what is best for anybody in this situation—that is a very personal decision that only you can make—but my first concern is always safety. Are you physically safe remaining in this relationship? If you are not, it may be in your best interest to leave your husband and go to a safe place. Again, leaving is complicated and you should be aware that the most dangerous time for a victim of domestic violence is after she leaves the relationship. It would be beneficial to talk with a domestic violence advocate and develop a safety plan for this time.

When women choose to leave their abusers, I generally recommend that they get an Order of Protection first. I say generally because sometimes getting a protection order is not in your best interest, only you can know that. An Order of Protection is just a piece of paper but it does provide some protection in that it lets the criminal justice system know that something is going on in your relationship that is not right. If you choose to get a protection order I highly recommend utilizing a lawyer or legal advocate;  they understand the intricacies of the system and will be able to provide you with the most comprehensive Order of Protection possible. Most superior courts have legal advocates on staff and can help victims navigate the complicated legal system for free. If not, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline and they can provide you resources to find legal help.

Let me talk about domestic violence shelters briefly. I worked at a shelter and know intimately the good that they do for women trying to get out of abusive situations. However, shelter life is hard and may be especially overwhelming if you’re used to the privacy of your own home. Also, the recession has hit non-profit organizations hard so programs like domestic violence shelters have fewer resources to offer you. If you have family that you can go to, this might be a preferable situation for you and your children. If this is not possible then DV shelters are a safe, supportive place to go and they offer wonderful services. Domestic violence shelters will provide food and shelter, support groups and domestic violence education, resources for your children as well as targeted case management to help you get back on your feet.  You can get referrals to local domestic violence shelters through the National DV Hotline linked to above.

 

2) Wait to leave

You may make the decision to leave your husband but know that the time isn’t right for whatever reason. In that case, I would encourage you to get prepared now. Gather all of your important documents and basic necessities and have them ready in case you have to leave quickly. During this waiting time you may even want to build up a little “nest egg” fund in preparation. You said your husband was financially abusive but even if you could save the change from your grocery money it could really help.

You mentioned that you are already in counseling but it might also be beneficial to attend an outpatient domestic violence support group. There you will receive more domestic violence education and connect with other women in similar situations. Many social service agencies have these kinds of support groups. Once again, you can call the hotline for referrals for groups in your area. You may even want to utilize case management services from a domestic violence advocate who can help you plan for your eventual escape. Hopefully, an advocate can provide you with resources to help you get back into the workforce so that you can financially support your family. Ask the advocate about transitional housing programs in your area as this is a useful stepping stone in the process of getting self sufficient.

 

3) Remain in the relationship

Sometimes it is in the best interest of the woman and her family to remain in the relationship.  Only you can know what is best for you and your children and it is never the place of an advocate, family member, friend or religious leader to make that decision for you. However, staying in an abusive marriage must be considered carefully: What are the potential ramifications to your physical and emotional health? What effect will this have on your children both now and in the future? You are in the unenviable position of having to weigh these realities

If you do chose to stay I would encourage you once again to join a domestic violence support group and continue seeing your therapist as you will need the emotional support. I would also recommend finding something outside of your home that makes you feel good about yourself. This could be anything from getting a part-time job, going to the gym, or taking a class for something you’re interested in—anything that will build your self-esteem.

I would also encourage you to practice as much assertiveness as is safe with your husband. You state in your email that your husband treats you like an object, this is a common characteristic of abusive personalities because they fail to recognize the humanity of the people around them. So when your husband says something hurtful to you, call him on it. Using assertive, “I”-focused language say something like: “I feel hurt and disrespected when you talk to me like that.” One of two things will happen, he won’t ever get it and will continue to be abusive or he will begin to understand over time that you do have feelings that he is negatively impacting. If he does catch on, great! If he doesn’t, at least you’ve reaffirmed to yourself that you have feelings and they are valid.

I would also be honest about what it will take from him for you to continue to stay in the marriage. From everything you’ve described about your husband, he needs treatment for his abusive personality. There are programs for abusers that seek to change abusive behavior through a combination of cognitive behavioral therapy, education and group responsibility. Find out what programs exist in your community and if it is safe to do so, inform your husband that he must participate in one of these programs if he wants to keep the family together. I must tell you that Batterer Intervention Programs have a high recidivism rate but it is my opinion that some treatment is better than no treatment. I would try to find a program that lasts at least six months, if not longer since those have better success rates. I generally don’t recommend anger management for abusers since anger management is not the root of the problem. And under no circumstances would I recommend seeking marriage counseling with your husband. The problem is not yours, it is his and many abusers use marriage counseling as a sanctioned time to emotionally abuse their partner. Please let me know if you would like more information about treatment options or help finding a decent provider in your community. If you chose to stay with your husband hopefully the trust can be rebuilt and you can go on to have a mutually fulfilling relationship.

Religious Issues

It breaks my heart that you have had the experiences you have had with church leadership. I agree with you that bishops should be a source of support for individuals who are being abused by their marriage partner. The fact that you have had six bishops who have either looked the other way or blamed you for your husband’s sins is inexcusable in my book. That being said, it is not especially surprising to me that this has been your experience. The Mormon Church is certainly not alone in failing victims of domestic violence, many religions struggle with giving adequate support to women who are suffering from this evil. What makes your experience frustrating, however, is that the general authorities have been quite clear that there is no room for any form of abuse in a marriage relationship. For example, the Church Handbook of Instructions specifically states:

The Church’s position is that abuse cannot be tolerated in any form. Those who abuse or are cruel to their spouse, children, other family members, or anyone else violate the laws of God and man…Members who have abused others are subject to Church discipline.

I cannot tell you exactly why your leaders have failed to support you and act appropriately when Church policy is so clear. I do have some thoughts, however, that might help you in the future when you turn to a bishop for help.

Bishops face a complicated situation. Because of the importance we rightly put on eternal families, I can understand that no bishop wants to be responsible for the breakup of a family. Most bishops have no training in the dynamics of intimate partner abuse and so will often provide inappropriate counsel in an effort to keep a family together. From what you have described it seems that your current bishop wants to let you make the decision of whether to remain in the marriage without giving you outright permission to leave.  According to church policy and the rhetoric of our general authorities, you are well within your rights to do so. My suggestion is to prayerfully decide which option is best for you and your children, whether it be leaving your husband, remaining in the marriage for the time being, or sticking it out for the long haul. When you have decided this, go to your bishop with your decision and see how he can support you in your plan. You may find that he is more supportive once he knows which direction you will take.

More likely than not your bishops have had absolutely no training in counseling, let alone the dynamics of intimate partner abuse. Because of this, they have not recognized how serious your complaint was. It is also possible that your bishops got caught on the pornography problem since that is what gets focused on so much by general authorities. Unfortunately, pornography abuse is so common in the church that some bishops may feel it does not warrant church discipline. In your case, however, your bishops have failed to see that your husband’s pornography use is only a symptom of a much larger problem.

This is where I think you could be a wonderful advocate and agent of change, not only for yourself but for other women who find themselves in a similar circumstance. Domestic violence experts have developed a wonderful tool to help identify abuse in a relationship called the Power and Control Wheel. Take this tool to your bishop and identify the ways in which your husband has abused you. Give him specific examples.  Then I would show your bishop the Equality Wheel which visually represents what equal partnership in a relationship should look like. Your bishop should see that the qualities listed in the Equality Wheel are the same ones that general authorities tout when they speak of equal partnership in marriage.

I recognize how unfair it is that you must be the one to educate your bishop about abuse. The church should be doing a better job training their ecclesiastical leaders to recognize and respond to these situations appropriately. Statistically, one in three women will be a victim of intimate partner abuse; think of how many women are suffering in your ward and in the worldwide church. You can use your negative experience for good here and help your leaders do a better job ministering to women who have been victims of domestic violence. If you feel comfortable, maybe go to your stake president and share your experience with him. You could even write letters to your area authority, the general Relief Society Presidency and the First Presidency. The more women like you are willing to speak about the abuse they have suffered and the failure of church leaders to respond compassionately and appropriately, the greater likelihood that the general leadership will put structures in place that will address these needs. And as the statistics show us, the need is very real.

I commend you, dear Unsupported, for your bravery in writing to us and your desire to be an advocate for change. I know that you can make a big difference in the lives of many women. I hope and pray that you can find peace, justice and happiness in your own life. Please know that WAVE is one place, among many, where you are truly supported.

With love,

Meghan Raynes Matthews

 

Visit the following websites for further information and support:

National Domestic Violence Hotline:http://www.thehotline.org/

 

Ask a Feminist

Dear ask a Feminist,

I have always felt a bit embarrassed for a lot of men in the LDS church that take their “Role” as the priesthood holder of the family a bit too far! I have found that there are few men that really understand that putting your wife on a pedestal and treating her with love and kindness is truly what Christ would want, and it’s the true meaning of being a man, I wanted to know if this is why you have started groups such as this, have you felt like you take a back seat to men in this religion, and if so, why would you continue to participate? Do you feel that you CAN make a difference?

Sincerely,

Wondering

Dear Wondering,

Thank you for your comment. We appreciate your interest and desire to follow Christ. We also seek to follow his example and believe that everyone can learn a lot about gender equality from him. And we can also hire probate lawyers to know about testament in detail. In the New Testament Christ didn’t place women on a pedestal or treat them as inferior. He recognized their reality as: flawed and able, divine and troubled, obedient and independent thinkers. He saw their lives as worthy of contemplation and dialogue. In the New Testament we have the most female voices in our religious texts and we see that their lives are complicated and varied. No two women are alike and no two women have the exact same abilities or destiny.

As to your first question, we have started this group because we want to be treated at church the way that we think Christ would treat us. I think He would want to hear our voices just as much as the brethren. I think He would teach us that we are valuable in and of ourselves, not only as wives or mothers. I don’t think He would assume that we are all the same. I think He would encourage us to discover our spiritual gifts and use them. Even if he couldn’t explain why, I think He would at least acknowledge that there is a gender bias in church leadership, religious texts, our knowledge of the Godhead, and decision making power. I think that after He acknowledged this He would tell us that this didn’t mean that our Heavenly Father prefers His sons. I think He would take pity on women in disciplinary courts and send the 15 men away or at least provide a jury full of female peers. I think He would let us women have the last say in church matters once in awhile. I think He would tell us that our answers to prayer are just as good as a man’s. I think He would agree that man and woman are great together because they have two heads. I think He would tell us about our former female religious leaders left out of the scriptures, recognize current female spiritual examples, and teach us about our Heavenly Mother and our future eternal destiny.

As to your second question, Yes, I do feel like I take a back seat to men in this religion, but I choose to continue to participate because a) I believe it is true, just flawed because of the historical and cultural context in which it exists, b) there is so much good, and c) because I have felt inspired to stay and implore for more equality because I CAN make a difference.

I could be wrong about this entire answer, but this is what I wish.

Sincerely,

Ask a Feminist

Ask A Feminist

Dear Ask a Feminist,

I personally and through study and experience have learned that the priesthood is here on earth for the benefit of men. I come from a home with an anti-feminist father and 3 brothers. Being the only girl, and daughter of a totally subservient mother, I have seen firsthand how men are naturally less righteous than women. In fact, they desperately need the priesthood to help them step up and progress in life and in the church. Women don’t need that regimented order to stay faithful and good (again, this is what I have gathered from my own experience). Perhaps we are the ones who put the priesthood here because we wanted our weaker sexed brothers to get back to God with us!

I guess I’m rambling, but I’m trying to grasp the inequality…in every ward I’ve ever been in, the relief society president runs the ward….and we all know it. I look at the bishopric as a controlled training ground for men…and I think they desperately need it, and I’m thankful it is there.

Please…help me out….?

Sincerely,

Superior Sex

Dear Superior Sex,

Thank you for writing. I recognize that your life experiences inform your question and I’m sorry that you have had so many negative  examples of male spirituality and nurturing.

Here at WAVE we do not seek to be superior or inferior, just equal. We recognize that men and women are different. However, difference shouldn’t preclude equality.

Many people find it insulting to hear gender generalizations that demean men: they are less spiritual, nurturing, and capable; they need the priesthood to be equal, etc. There are many great men in the world who don’t have the priesthood and many fantastic nurturers who are male. With any type of human trait we will see variation that exists within and between genders. Using stereotypes to teach principles will inevitably neglect many people and they are extremely damaging to both men and women. Teaching men that they are spiritually inferior or less nurturing is in direct opposition to the examples of Father in Heaven and Jesus Christ, who both just happen to be male.

Feminism is not about making assumptions about either gender, but about creating opportunities so that everyone, regardless of gender, can fulfill the measure of their creation.

Sincerely,

Ask a Feminist

Ask a Feminist

Dear Ask a Feminist,

I just read the following on your website: “About your Feminist: She is a wife, a mother, a professional, and an active LDS church member.” Why did you include “a professional” in the definition?  Do you mean only “professionals” are “feminists?”  In using the term “a professional,” you come across as exclusionary. Perhaps you may want to reword “About your Feminist.” I look forward to your response. Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,

Kalola in California

Dear Kalola in California,

Thank you for your interest in helping us understand how we come across to readers. I wrote that description based on all of the many roles I participate in and included “a professional” because that is one of the things I do. Also, I thought that a more thorough description might appeal to the widest audience of women and the diversity of our roles. There is no intended correlation between being a feminist and having a career. In fact, all of the executive board members at LDS WAVE are fiercely feminist and many other descriptions: stay-at-home moms, working, married, single, with or without children, make-up and bra wearers and despisers, academic feminists, pragmatic feminists, etc. We run the gamut. Being “a professional” is not intended to be exclusionary, just the same as “being a wife” or “being a mother.” These are just descriptions of me so as to situate my answers in a relatable context. I hope that helps!

Per your question, I have decided to “reword” my descriptions by adding a little bit more about myself. Thank you.

Sincerely,

Ask a Feminist

Ask a Feminist

Dear Ask a Feminist,

I also believe in the equality of men and women, but I feel like my divine life plan is to be a stay-at-home mom. This is encouraged by the church, so why do you work?

Sincerely,

Staying-at-home and loving it!

Dear Staying-at-home and loving it!,

As a point of discussion, I think that being a parent is working. It’s more intense than a full time job! When was the last time a corporate lawyer or consultant worked around 18 hours a day for approximately 18 years? No one could afford to pay stay-at-home moms (or dads for that matter) if they were paid what they deserved for the hours and importance of their work. Similarly, many “stay-at-home” moms are also working. They have side projects, writing, reading, creating, etc. all of which are a form of work. As the professional infrastructure becomes more flexible, more and more women are engaging in “work” even though they don’t acknowledge it as such. That said, let me get to your original question. I can only speak for myself but there are many reasons why I choose to work.

1) I’m a better mom. For example, this morning when it was way too early and I was exhausted my daughter woke up when it was still dark and started happily cooing. Most days of the week I throw some toys in her crib and try to catch a few more minutes of sleep in between replacing the pacifier and distracting her with toys. However, this morning I just held her and played. We interacted and laughed and played games and were each uplifted. The reason I was so excited to see her was because I worked last night. My husband cared for her and put her to bed and by the time she awoke this morning I couldn’t wait to see and hold her. I looked forward to it rather than trying to escape it. It is probably not the same for everyone, but for me working makes me a better mom. When I am at home I am more engaged, less distracted, excited to be there, revel in the little things, and cherish my time. When I have periods of not working I get sluggish and take for granted the precious little spirit in my care.

2) This is the Lord’s direction for me. I have always prayed and pondered every decision in my life and along the way I have been led and directed to working. I recognize that many stay-at-home moms followed this same plan and I respect the Lord and personal revelation too much to assume that we all get the same answers. I trust that all women seek out a follow their inspired path. For me, it was recognizing and pursing my spiritual gifts and the desires of my heart. I have unique talents and abilities and I feel like they are being utilized in my current profession. My husband and I have prayed and come to decisions about professions and parenting together which we feel are in line with the gospel and the Lord’s plan for us. Throughout the course of my career I have had many answers to prayer, priesthood blessings, and divine interventions which have confirmed that the Lord is directing me.

3) For practicality. As a new wife and graduate student on my first day in a new ward I received some advice that I will always cherish. A well respected mother and scholar told me, “Life is LONG!” She then told me about all sorts of women. Women who raise their kids and then go search for their inspired career, women who get all of their education and then have kids, women who raise their kids and slowly receive their training simultaneously, women who work from home, share family responsibilities with their husbands, and trade off with their spouse in regard to working and parenting. She also taught me that motherhood, while all consuming, was only one part of your life. Before and after your kids you have a lot of time. What will you do with it? For me, I have found a balance between working and parenting that makes my family happy. Practically, we try to live off the salary from one job so that we are not forced to be a dual-income family and so that at any time one of us can choose to stay home full time. I also feel overwhelming security at being able to provide for my family. For now, it allows my husband to choose a career that makes him happy rather than one just for the money. For the future, if something happened to my spouse, it makes me feel like I would be able to raise my children and provide for them in a flexible schedule rather than having to work a 9-5 job with limited pay. I also found great confidence in being financially autonomous when I was dating. I was able to choose a spouse based on love and inherent qualities without the pressure of financial dependency. For me, working has given me more choices and freedom. (However, I also understand that my family is unique and I have the luxury of a spouse whose job is flexible).

Sincerely,

Ask a Feminist

Reminder: All answers reflect the opinion of the “Ask a Feminist” director and not the entire executive board at LDS WAVE.

Ask a Feminist

Dear Ask a Feminist,

Someone said you guys were fighting for women to get the priesthood but I haven’t read anything about it on your website. Is this true?

Sincerely,

Wondering

Dear Wondering,

LDS WAVE has never claimed this nor do we advocate for it.

Sincerely,

Ask a feminist

Words of Wisdom Description

One of the first action-based projects at LDSWAVE is creating a book of quotes about gender equality and the LDS church that can be easily accessed and utilized in church settings as a flip book or as an iPhone app. It is meant to be used as a resource for the empowerment of women and the inclusion of their voices.

We love and appreciate our leaders who speak about gender equality and we want to promulgate these ideas throughout our local wards and stakes. Our hope is that by using readily accepted sources about this topic we can reach more traditionally minded members and promote our mission to educate and encourage gender equality within the church.

Also, we feel deeply that women’s voices need to be featured and highlighted. When we hear women quoted as leaders with valuable insights, we value ourselves more.  When we hear these women held up as spiritual leaders, we envision what we ourselves are spiritually capable of. When we see these women acknowledged and appreciated for their insights, we know that we do indeed have important and valued roles to play in the Church.

Details:

Have you ever been in church and heard something that didn’t feel right and you know there is the perfect quote that would adequately express what you are trying to say from a source everyone would value, but you just don’t have it at the moment? That is the problem that we are trying to solve with our Words of Wisdom project.

We are trying to collect and organize uplifting and inspiring quotes that will be readily available and accessible whenever you need them. This is just one step in LDS WAVE’s goal in taking actionable steps toward gender equality in the church.

1)      We will provide the finalized version of this quote book online for you to print for FREE!

2)      Each month we will research the correlated church manuals and highlight one quote that would benefit the lesson discussions. We will post this quote visibly on our website AND

3)      Challenge each person to find a way to use this quote in their meetings

4)      Also, we will make specialized versions of these quote books to give as gifts for special holidays, such as Christmas and Mother’s day

5)      We will challenge each person to suggest to their bishop to give the gift of inspiring quotes about and from women rather than the typical flower or chocolate on Mother’s day Sunday.

We hope you will benefit from the inspired words of women and about women.

Ask a Feminist

Dear Ask a Feminist,

Frankly, I get upset when I hear people talking about this stuff because it makes me feel judged like I am less intelligent or something for not being upset about particular women’s issues. I just think people need more faith and to leave the questions for when we get to heaven.

Sincerely,

Frankly

Dear Frankly,

I understand your feelings. I often feel similarly defensive and upset, like if I do not happily agree with everything I hear I am less faithful. I even sometimes feel like people are judging my worthiness just because I intuitively question things. I see that we all have different spiritual gifts. I have always been a questioner and as such I have had amazing answers to prayer that have blessed my life. It sounds like you have always been a believer and that has probably also been a blessing to your life. We are different and that is the way it is supposed to be. Maybe the Lord doesn’t make us the same so that we can rely on each other. One solution is to value each other’s unique gifts and leave the judging for when we get to Heaven. I won’t disregard your intelligence if you don’t judge my faithfulness, deal?

Sincerely,

Ask a Feminist

Ask a Feminist

Dear Ask a Feminist,

I’m fine with most of what I read about WAVE so far, but I have a problem when people start talking about refuting the prophets’ words and counsel (i.e. birth control, mothers staying home), as if they knew more than the prophet and then their resistance was the cause of the church’s change? That stuff just scares me, because they seemed to be saying we know more than the prophets in these areas. So, is he only a prophet when you agree with him, or when he agrees with you (that’s kind of a rhetorical question)?

Sincerely,

Trying to Understand

Dear Trying to Understand,

I can completely understand your resistance to that concept and I can see why you would read it as such. These issues are extremely complex and when they are summarized it can seem that we are saying one thing when in reality we are trying to communicate something very different.

This is a tough question and very complex. Basically, (I can only say from my perspective) I in no way think that my understanding is a) more correct than the prophets and leaders or b) for the whole church. I do not advocate criticizing our leaders. I love and value their counsel and as such I follow it. For example, I’ve been taught to prayerfully go to the Lord with the words of my church leaders. I have been taught that as a wife and mother I have stewardship over my family. I take that very seriously and when I receive general church counsel given to all church members, I go home and prayerfully decide how I can apply that to my family. For your specific questions, I the church has historically given advice on birth control and maternal working and in each of these cases I have prayerfully counseled with my husband and the Lord about what we should do as a family and then we make the decision based on the best spiritual, emotional, physical, and economic knowledge that we have. We try to make the best decision for our family.

We are encouraged as members of the LDS faith to follow this pattern and prayerfully counsel with the Lord about all of our decisions. Our leaders are inspired and one of the greatest tools we have as members of this particular church is a belief in continued revelation. We have a living prophet on the earth today in order for us to receive counsel for our times. Some LDS feminists attribute the changes we see in prophetic counsel over the years on birth control and maternal working as reflections of general trends in these personal prayers. Many women counseled with the Lord and decided that birth control was a beneficial to their families and around that same time our leaders’ counsel reflected that general change. Many women counseled with the Lord and decided that working (defined broadly) was beneficial to their families and recent prophetic counsel reflects this. Similarly, we can look at the historic cases of polygamy and blacks in the priesthood. In all of these cases we assume that our Prophets were inspired as well as in tune with the needs of the church members on the earth at this time.

Sincerely,

Ask a Feminist